UNHAPPY :-(

I am very unhappy.

Ever since I took up this leader position, my level of unhappiness had rised to another grade. I felt that I had a lot of things to settle and it seems like there is no end point to it. People never stop asking me about everything especially the schedule. I didn't go to ward as I planned yesterday instead did some reading in the room. In the afternnon, I also didn't go to ward but did some reading. When my group mate came over to pass me something, she told me her experience in the ward this morning. It was exciting and fun. I think she learnt a lot of things. This made me feeling guilty for not going to ward and clerk patient. Actually the number of patients in the Surgery ward is not much and the condition there is more comfortable compared to the Medicine ward where the number of patients exceeded the number of beds. But I don't know why the feeling of dislike of going to ward is still in my heart. Haihz... I just hoped that I can get over this unwanted feeling as soon as possible.

This afternoon, another friend of mine, whom had just finished her Surgery posting, came over to my room to look for my roommate. I asked her some questions and advice concerning the posting but she answered me in a way that I think it was quite rough. Probably the way I asked the question was inappropriate, so she answered me it that way. Or it was just her way of talking after all. I think it is the latter one. Just today my mood is not good and so low that I was quite easily irritated. When she said that the books that I had were not sufficient for this posting, it made me more sad. So I didn't continue the conversation with her and just let my roommate entertained her since she was looking for her initially.

All these phenomena made me so unhappy and palpitation. So I took a nap and my heart became more calm. However, the smile on my face just disappeared and I could not smile anymore. Instead, when I watched my Hong Kong drama, I wanted to cry but refrained to do so since my roommate was in the room.

Today, I had some realisation.

Realisation 1:
Since I entered Medical school, the smile on my face was slipping away day by day. I had lost the feeling of happiness in me when I was in primary and secondary schools as well as the time with all my family members back in Sibu. The only time I truly smile from deep down of my heart was when I went to Langkawi Island for my 3rd year break. If not, I don't think I could have that smile back. The lost of my smile is due to the increment of the study load from year to year and the maintainance of the result and also facing various type of people around me with a personality that is stranger to me. I just hate it. I just want to be myself.

Realisation 2:
I had not much friends here that I can speak heart to heart. Secrets are hard to be kept here. Suddenly today I felt that some people made friends with me because I am an easy-going person that don't know how to say no, can share money in paying things and can lend a hand in study. If not, I don't think anyone will like to make friends with a person which is so quiet, seldom greet others, not smiley face and do not understand others' sense of humour - in short a boring person. That's why sometime I would like to stay in my room and just be myself.


I was so surprised that at this very moment I was unable to smile. I met with times that I was depressed but I can still smile but at this very moment, the angles of my lip seem so heavy to lift up. I could not smile. What is happening to me? I don't want to be someone with psychiatric problem.