why 'study' can be a sad thing? It makes my eyes easily well-up with tears and tears come rolling down my cheeks... 'Study' is not a difficult thing and I enjoy 'studying' but it will make me sad sometime... I should strive harder to prevent it from making me sad again...

Lonely and neglected are my feelings now.... WHY???
Probably it is due to my personality, character and attitude. I am too cool to the ones around me and too serious about things thus was not able to understand or continue others' sense of humour/jokes. I give others a feeling of coolness in me and make others feel like I am a person that I am difficult to get along with. But, inside me, part of it is like that because I have difficulty in asking people for help or trouble other people. On the other hand, I am just like any other youngster who also longs for friends' support and companion but it is just hard for me to express myself. I also gives other a sense of independence - whereby I can perform and accomplish things on my own but sometimes I also needs help, it is just that my mouth is so tough that the words just don't come out of it... I might also gives others that everything I say is right but I can also accept others doing method...

All these 'bad' qualities of mine resulted in the condition that I am in now. Alone and neglected which I hoped that it would involve me or even an invitation but who do I think I am?!!!! I am actually a nobody!!!! Just a person who thinks that she knows everything but in actual fact she knows nothing!!!!

If the thing is decided, I could not do anything much but to go with it and work hard on my own and search it on my own. On deeper thoughts, if I was in the thing, I might not be able to contribute much and cause more trouble or obstruct them from going further... So, for now, I should do what I should do and finish all my tasks that are waiting for me to do....I will think the thing later....

I will walk my path my own way!!!

After i told myself to go for it or to charge, my inner self problem starts again - indecisiveness. How can a person can be so indecisive. This bad quality of mine make me so miserable and down most of the time. I have no mood in doing anything and the work keeps piling up. I wanted to steady myself but the one inside me make me so uncertain and so tired.... really longing for a simple life with my family members though I have to do all the house chores...

I went for my first oncall yesterday. Quite a peaceful day in the A&E so have a nice day but ended up being given advices by one of the doctor in charge but I am really glad he told me that so that I can set my goal clearer... Today is another day which I woke up very early in the morning to go for round and after that I went back to my room to study. Only a little of things got into my brain and the rest obstructed by the anxiety in me... Then went to the clinic, have a nice experience there although it is really packed with students but I did gain something...

Now back in my room, wanna get some entertainment to make me laugh so that I can start to read and absorb the facts better and happier... Wish me luck!!!

New year, new posting, but my heart feel so insecure and like something is not right. People around me already geared up to make full use of the posting but I am still idling here, thinking as well as planning what is the right thing to do and the right time to do it. I wanted to be like them (not thinking and worrying too much) but I wanted to be happy too. Remembering one of the lecturer (psychiatrist) asking us this morning do we think we have any psychiatric symptoms. I think I do...Thinking too much + worrying too much = depression

Probably, I need some time to generate the energy, strength and courage in facing the challenge that is waiting for me in the final year of my 5 years course which is the toughest of all. But I wish I can use a more appropriate mood and heart to face it so that what I am doing now will increase my love and passion to the job that will be doing for the rest of my life...
I will do it my way and follow the flow...
I hope that I can make a better performance this year with my log book...
Stary!!!! Fear no more!!!! Time is not waiting for you!!! CHARGE!!!!