Tachycardia....or Just Anxiety....

My heart will just not calm down. I can't nap calmly. My brain will just not stop working. There will be things running through my mind. I don't have palpitation or tachycardia ( my heart rate is 72 bpm) but the anxiety in me will just not cease. I can't imagine that the influence of the new lecturer-in-charge is so great making me feeling so unease. Or her words really stimulated me or her intensity of her teaching makes me to stop lazing around and start working hard for my exam which is just around the corner. Another thing is that I drank half a cup of coffee after lunch. It also has effect on my heart rate and emotion. I just hoped that I can calm down and study with an open and calm heart which enable me to absorb all the things that I am reading now.

Calm....Calm....Calm....

Back in Klang!!!

Now I am back in Klang, back to the reality after one week Hari Raya break. For the past one week, it was a packed week. I reached home on Sunday morning. I rested and the very next morning, I went out shopping with my parents. I bought the things I wanted and got my white coat made. In the afternoon, I went out with Hung Ai and had a nice chat. On Tue, I did my laundry and went to see doctor because my ear was blocked. Coincidentally, the doctor was a graduate from the Faculty of Medicine, University Malaya. He gave me some guidance about the ear wax cleaning and he didn't charge me for the medicine. Later, in the afternoon, I went out with Hung Ai and Sharon Ngu. We had a nice chat and Sharon told me that doctors should not charge medical students for their services and only charge us for the medicine. So nice. Got benefit becoming medical students. For the subsequent few days, I went out and relaxed at home. This time, the hols was quite a rush but I was glad I went home. I saw my little brother. It was so shocking to see how he became much thinner after staying in Singapore for two months. It must be quite tough there. But I know he can do it. ^^

Today the travelling was quite tiring. I cleaned the room but the ants just kept coming. I really don't know how to get rid of them and I brought so much food back here this time. Hopefully, they will spare my food. LOLZ....

My sis, in Japan, I think, is now at Osaka getting ready to enjoy the Arashi's concert. So nice. I really hope that we three can gather back home in Sibu as soon as possible.

Today, I must settle down my feelings and get myself ready for another 4 weeks of Medicine posting before the exam. Just thinking of it, makes me so headache and worry. But, in my opinion, I think I should face it with all my heart and energy and don't think so much about the end result as we work hard, everything will be just fine. ^^

Self-disappointment but never give up!!!

Yesterday evening, I clerked a lady patient. Her condition was quite complicated and my history taking was so lousy that it didn't lead my friend and I to the diagnosis which was acute renal failure. She had numerous condition like hypertension, non ST elevated myocardial infarction, diabetes mellitus, pneumonia, normocytic and normochromic anaemia and others which I couldn't read the writing of the doctors that had attended her. So, I was curious and wanted to know how the doctor could come up with this diagnosis since her presentations did not lead to it. Besides, I had made up my mind to clerk a patient a day if possible. Therefore, I went to the ward just now at 10 am. I talked to her and asked some more questions. After asking, I intended to do some physical examination but a doctor came to do her rounds, so I just left her. I wanted to clerk another case but the situation there was like so many patients, some sleeping, some in great discomfort and some were attended by the medical staff there. So I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to choose. In the end, I walked out of the ward in less than 30 minutes and straight back to the hostel. I was disappointed with myself for being so timid but I know I should give up. So I make up my mind that, I will go in the afternoon when not much doctors are attending them.

1 hour more before lunch time. I think I better do some laundry since I studied 2 hours already.

After I had written the blog yesterday evening, I went to play badminton with 2 of my friends. We played for 2 hours. It was a good game as I really got myself sweating. At that moment, I was not thinking of my study and I felt great. After the game, I felt much better and I had a new plan in my mind, which is that I will go to the ward during weekdays and do some reading on weekends. Maybe I exercised, I felt hungry so I went out to eat supper with some of my friends. Everything is just like starting all over again.

However, the nightmare came back this afternoon when I saw 2 of my Medicine posting friends went to the hospital to clerk patients. Suddenly I felt stressed up again and my mind is messy that I can't think rationally again. I don't know what is happening to me. During my first and second years, when I saw my friends so hardworking, I would get worry and stressed up but the feelings would disappear after a while because I could still stabilize my feelings. But now, I don't why my tolerance threshold has decreased and I am so easily stimulated my them. Please help me!!! I must quickly regain my own self. If not, before I finish this course, I may got insane...

Now, I am just hoping that my heart can calm down and do what my heart tells me too...

LOST!!!!

I am very sad and depressed today. I don't know why I am like that. I started my clinical phase in Klang Hospital, Selangor 2 weeks ago. At first I was fine and just follow the classes that were arranged for us. Now I am in the Medicine posting. In the posting, we get to see various type of cases and consultants from University Malaya Medical Centre (UMMC) will come over here to teach us. We will go to the ward, following rounds and clerking (taking history and do physical examination) our own patients, then present them to the consultants. When I started to learn how to clerk patient , it was fine, but as the time goes by, I began to loss myself. I was not very keen to go to the ward to clerk patients after all. I have no direction now, I don't know what should I read first because cases we see everyday are not in the same systems. Besides, we need to present cases in order to get our log book to be signed by the medical staff in-charge.

Today my mood is getting worse. My interest in this course is slipping away day by day. I don't have the courage to talk to patients, I don't have the anticipation and high spirits like my course mates to go to the ward and clerk patients everyday, I feel so bad for not doing my duty as a medical student to the best. What is happening to me now?!!! I feel like crying now and I just want to leave the course, go back home and start a new life. Maybe I feel so stress up because everyone is working hard and moving forward to fulfill their dreams and I on the other hand still standing on the present point and not doing anything. I just don't have the push to do so... Why like that?!!! I just hope that this feeling of lost will disappear as soon as possible because my posting only last for 8 weeks and there will be an end of posting exam which I cannot fail...Sniff..Sniff...