I am very unhappy.
Ever since I took up this leader position, my level of unhappiness had rised to another grade. I felt that I had a lot of things to settle and it seems like there is no end point to it. People never stop asking me about everything especially the schedule. I didn't go to ward as I planned yesterday instead did some reading in the room. In the afternnon, I also didn't go to ward but did some reading. When my group mate came over to pass me something, she told me her experience in the ward this morning. It was exciting and fun. I think she learnt a lot of things. This made me feeling guilty for not going to ward and clerk patient. Actually the number of patients in the Surgery ward is not much and the condition there is more comfortable compared to the Medicine ward where the number of patients exceeded the number of beds. But I don't know why the feeling of dislike of going to ward is still in my heart. Haihz... I just hoped that I can get over this unwanted feeling as soon as possible.
This afternoon, another friend of mine, whom had just finished her Surgery posting, came over to my room to look for my roommate. I asked her some questions and advice concerning the posting but she answered me in a way that I think it was quite rough. Probably the way I asked the question was inappropriate, so she answered me it that way. Or it was just her way of talking after all. I think it is the latter one. Just today my mood is not good and so low that I was quite easily irritated. When she said that the books that I had were not sufficient for this posting, it made me more sad. So I didn't continue the conversation with her and just let my roommate entertained her since she was looking for her initially.
All these phenomena made me so unhappy and palpitation. So I took a nap and my heart became more calm. However, the smile on my face just disappeared and I could not smile anymore. Instead, when I watched my Hong Kong drama, I wanted to cry but refrained to do so since my roommate was in the room.
Today, I had some realisation.
Realisation 1:
Since I entered Medical school, the smile on my face was slipping away day by day. I had lost the feeling of happiness in me when I was in primary and secondary schools as well as the time with all my family members back in Sibu. The only time I truly smile from deep down of my heart was when I went to Langkawi Island for my 3rd year break. If not, I don't think I could have that smile back. The lost of my smile is due to the increment of the study load from year to year and the maintainance of the result and also facing various type of people around me with a personality that is stranger to me. I just hate it. I just want to be myself.
Realisation 2:
I had not much friends here that I can speak heart to heart. Secrets are hard to be kept here. Suddenly today I felt that some people made friends with me because I am an easy-going person that don't know how to say no, can share money in paying things and can lend a hand in study. If not, I don't think anyone will like to make friends with a person which is so quiet, seldom greet others, not smiley face and do not understand others' sense of humour - in short a boring person. That's why sometime I would like to stay in my room and just be myself.
I was so surprised that at this very moment I was unable to smile. I met with times that I was depressed but I can still smile but at this very moment, the angles of my lip seem so heavy to lift up. I could not smile. What is happening to me? I don't want to be someone with psychiatric problem.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Today is my second day of my Surgery posting/attachment. Yesterday, in our group discussion, I was being selected to become the group 6 leader. There was no one wanted to become the leader and I didn't know how to say no, so I was being selected without much opposition. On the contrary, Group 5 had some hot discussion on who should be the next leader and no one wanted to become one. As we all know, that this position is not an easy one and is a very troublesome one. Of course, people will try not to take up this responsibility and me, on the other hand, took it up without any struggle. Haihz...What a typical me? But, when you think on the other side, if I take up this job now, then I no need to become the leader in the coming postings which is nearer to the final exam.
Until now, my job encircles around contacting doctors-in-charge to make appointments, getting the attendant slips and making ward and clinic rosters. All these make me headache. In case you guys don't know, whenever I take up any position or tasks, the feeling of responsibility in me is so great that make me to perform my duty as good as possible and this will make me miserable as I will worry about the tasks that I haven't complete thus this will affect my mood to study. Haihz... Another thing is that, I tend to make early plannings but doctors and specialists that are coming to teach us are so busy that they can only confirm the time with you the day or the afternoon before the actual day. So this make me even more miserable. Haihz... I really wished that I didn't take up this position. Haihz...
Luckily, for the coming 2 days, the plans are settled. So now, I can concentrate on my study. So many new things need to study.
As now I am in Surgery posting, the cases in this ward is slightly different from the Medicine ward. They are more on the cases that need surgery like acute abdomen, cancer (breast, colon), stones (gall stones, renal stones), herniaes and many more. They are very interesting but I am lacking of knowledge on the information that I should get from the patients and the physical examination techniques. I hope that I can catch up by this weekend.
Until now, my job encircles around contacting doctors-in-charge to make appointments, getting the attendant slips and making ward and clinic rosters. All these make me headache. In case you guys don't know, whenever I take up any position or tasks, the feeling of responsibility in me is so great that make me to perform my duty as good as possible and this will make me miserable as I will worry about the tasks that I haven't complete thus this will affect my mood to study. Haihz... Another thing is that, I tend to make early plannings but doctors and specialists that are coming to teach us are so busy that they can only confirm the time with you the day or the afternoon before the actual day. So this make me even more miserable. Haihz... I really wished that I didn't take up this position. Haihz...
Luckily, for the coming 2 days, the plans are settled. So now, I can concentrate on my study. So many new things need to study.
As now I am in Surgery posting, the cases in this ward is slightly different from the Medicine ward. They are more on the cases that need surgery like acute abdomen, cancer (breast, colon), stones (gall stones, renal stones), herniaes and many more. They are very interesting but I am lacking of knowledge on the information that I should get from the patients and the physical examination techniques. I hope that I can catch up by this weekend.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
What a day ?!!!
Today I don't know what is happening to me because I am so sleepy. I woke up at almost 9 am ( but I slept a 1 am after the Transformer 2) and I had my breakfast, watched an episode of a Hong Kong drama and did some reading then I fell back to sleep till 1pm when my roommate woke me up to have lunch. I don't know why I am so sleepy today. Maybe for the past few weeks I had sleep less than 8 hours and I was busy with my study. Now I am relax and awaiting for the next posting which is Surgery, starts on Tuesday, so my body try to repay the sleep debt I accumulated for the past few weeks. I felt not bad after sleeping for so long, as I haven't did it for sometime.
Besides, yesterday was an exciting day for me. Yesterday morning my coursemates and I needed to go back to UM to attend an entrepeneurship seminar in order to get 10 marks. So, I followed Jessica's car down at 8 am but she needed to left her car in UM because her sister will be coming back to KL from Singapore for a conference and she needs a car. Then, Jessica, Boon Hui, Yen Cheng and I needed to find our transport back to Klang hostel from KL. So we decided to do some shopping in Mid Valley and had our lunch then started our journey back to Klang. We took the KTM back to Klang but the train was so slow so it took us 1 hour to reach Klang. In addition, there were a lot of people so I was standing the almost the whole trip back to Klang. Later we needed to walk to a bus stop where the bus passing our hostel stopped. The walk took us another 1 hour ( interval - asking for directions, running after bus that didn't want to stop, stopped by a photostat shop and 7-11 shop, waited for the bus at the bus-stop).
I was so exhausted when I got back to hostel but Jessica and Yen Cheng wanted to do some aerobic dances in the air-conditioned study room. So I joined them and it was nice. We played table tennis too. We enjoyed ourselves till 7 pm, had our dinner. I also could not understand why Jessica was so happy because she laughed the whole dinner and Yen Cheng and I could not help it but laugh together. She got told us there she hadn't laugh like that since her sister started working in Singapore. I know she really enjoyed herself besides, she didn't have very close friends because she speaks English and most of us do activities were in Chinese and the activities she did were different from us. But, frankly speaking, I really did enjoy myself yesterday. After I rested, took my shower, I surfed the net for a while and watched Transformer 2 before I went to sleep. My roommate went to sleep very early, unexpected. She had a long day too.
Ah Boon had food poisoning after she went home. She had intermittent diarrhoea and she looked weak when she came back for the seminar. She still having diarrhoea but in recovering period. Hope she will get will soon...
Besides, yesterday was an exciting day for me. Yesterday morning my coursemates and I needed to go back to UM to attend an entrepeneurship seminar in order to get 10 marks. So, I followed Jessica's car down at 8 am but she needed to left her car in UM because her sister will be coming back to KL from Singapore for a conference and she needs a car. Then, Jessica, Boon Hui, Yen Cheng and I needed to find our transport back to Klang hostel from KL. So we decided to do some shopping in Mid Valley and had our lunch then started our journey back to Klang. We took the KTM back to Klang but the train was so slow so it took us 1 hour to reach Klang. In addition, there were a lot of people so I was standing the almost the whole trip back to Klang. Later we needed to walk to a bus stop where the bus passing our hostel stopped. The walk took us another 1 hour ( interval - asking for directions, running after bus that didn't want to stop, stopped by a photostat shop and 7-11 shop, waited for the bus at the bus-stop).
I was so exhausted when I got back to hostel but Jessica and Yen Cheng wanted to do some aerobic dances in the air-conditioned study room. So I joined them and it was nice. We played table tennis too. We enjoyed ourselves till 7 pm, had our dinner. I also could not understand why Jessica was so happy because she laughed the whole dinner and Yen Cheng and I could not help it but laugh together. She got told us there she hadn't laugh like that since her sister started working in Singapore. I know she really enjoyed herself besides, she didn't have very close friends because she speaks English and most of us do activities were in Chinese and the activities she did were different from us. But, frankly speaking, I really did enjoy myself yesterday. After I rested, took my shower, I surfed the net for a while and watched Transformer 2 before I went to sleep. My roommate went to sleep very early, unexpected. She had a long day too.
Ah Boon had food poisoning after she went home. She had intermittent diarrhoea and she looked weak when she came back for the seminar. She still having diarrhoea but in recovering period. Hope she will get will soon...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Exam day...
Today was an unexpected day.
My short case was scheduled this afternoon. I was the last person to be examined before the review by our doctor-in-charge. I had a very miserable morning as my emotion could not calm down and seeing my group mates, one by one finishing their short cases, I felt slightly uneasy but not that bad comparing to the moment when my group mate, who was having his short case same time with me, asking questions which made me more nervous. So when the time came, I went the ward half an hour earlier and I thought I got a chance to be tested earlier but in the end, I was still the last person. It was the worst experience that I had. I was so shocked of myself to be so nervous till the doctor and patient laughed at me. I didn't know why I was so nervous. It wasn't that I don't know about the physical examination steps but I just got nervous. Even the doctor asked me to slow down but I just couldn't settle down the nervousness in me. During the presentation was even worse. I couldn't arrange the findings I had into sentences. My points were scattered here and there. I really don't know why I am like that. I must practice more and more. It was so embarrassed. Luckily the doctor didn't penalised me and just commented me to be quite rough towards the patient, so some demerit there.
During the review, our doctor commented our examination techniques and I learned a lot. She also said how we did not well in our paper 2 question 1. When she said the key points she wanted in the answer, I thought I would fail the question but luckily I got full mark in the other part of that question. She announced that I got the highest for the question. I was surprised and happy.
When the doctor (Dr Suhailah, neurologist) came to guide us 4 weeks ago, I thought she would be very fierce and strict. After following her for the 4 weeks, it turned out she is a very nice person but still very strict, in a way that make us learn a lot of things.
I am very thankful for her dedication and passion in teaching us. I am really happy and glad to have a nice doctor like her teaching us. The funny thing was that I thought she would not know my presence in the class because I was very quiet, seldom ask questions and seldom volunteered during the short case practices. She knew the name of all the students in my group and she only knew my name on the last day before the exam but after the exam, she knew me already and had a different opinion of me as during the review, she commented that most of the Chinese girls were quite quiet but trying their best to learn and paying attention in class. She liked that but hoped us to speak up during the exam time. She even asked Morrison to sleep less in class because he would start to sleep whenever the class start although he was actually listening to what was discuss in the class. :-)
Thank you, Dr Suhailah. I learnt a lot and I would continue to work hard in my next posting, Surgery...
My short case was scheduled this afternoon. I was the last person to be examined before the review by our doctor-in-charge. I had a very miserable morning as my emotion could not calm down and seeing my group mates, one by one finishing their short cases, I felt slightly uneasy but not that bad comparing to the moment when my group mate, who was having his short case same time with me, asking questions which made me more nervous. So when the time came, I went the ward half an hour earlier and I thought I got a chance to be tested earlier but in the end, I was still the last person. It was the worst experience that I had. I was so shocked of myself to be so nervous till the doctor and patient laughed at me. I didn't know why I was so nervous. It wasn't that I don't know about the physical examination steps but I just got nervous. Even the doctor asked me to slow down but I just couldn't settle down the nervousness in me. During the presentation was even worse. I couldn't arrange the findings I had into sentences. My points were scattered here and there. I really don't know why I am like that. I must practice more and more. It was so embarrassed. Luckily the doctor didn't penalised me and just commented me to be quite rough towards the patient, so some demerit there.
During the review, our doctor commented our examination techniques and I learned a lot. She also said how we did not well in our paper 2 question 1. When she said the key points she wanted in the answer, I thought I would fail the question but luckily I got full mark in the other part of that question. She announced that I got the highest for the question. I was surprised and happy.
When the doctor (Dr Suhailah, neurologist) came to guide us 4 weeks ago, I thought she would be very fierce and strict. After following her for the 4 weeks, it turned out she is a very nice person but still very strict, in a way that make us learn a lot of things.
I am very thankful for her dedication and passion in teaching us. I am really happy and glad to have a nice doctor like her teaching us. The funny thing was that I thought she would not know my presence in the class because I was very quiet, seldom ask questions and seldom volunteered during the short case practices. She knew the name of all the students in my group and she only knew my name on the last day before the exam but after the exam, she knew me already and had a different opinion of me as during the review, she commented that most of the Chinese girls were quite quiet but trying their best to learn and paying attention in class. She liked that but hoped us to speak up during the exam time. She even asked Morrison to sleep less in class because he would start to sleep whenever the class start although he was actually listening to what was discuss in the class. :-)
Thank you, Dr Suhailah. I learnt a lot and I would continue to work hard in my next posting, Surgery...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Withdrawal...
Oh my goodness!!!
I am not myself today. I felt extremely tired and I felt asleep on my bed so many times. This seldom happen. I don't know what is the cause.
Is it I slept too late yesterday night? But sometime I sleep at 2 am and still feel fresh.
I am suspecting that I didn't take my coffee this morning. Every morning I will drink a cup of coffee before going for classes or starting my day. However, this morning, I didn't drink because I got no classes today, just a presentation.
Or maybe my turn for short case is on Thursday so now having mixed feelings of post - theory exam and pre - short case exam. LOLZ....
I think the coffee is the main culprit for the letharginess I felt today. I never expect the withdrawal symptom is so strong. I felt so tired today and the mood was quite down. As we all know, caffeine can cause to feel euphoric. Beside I am slightly worry for not being able to perform during the short case exam. In addition, I watched a sad drama just now. So, all these make my mood so low......
I asked my roommate to help me buy Jusco sushi. I hope I will feel much better after I eat them later.
I really don't know what to do now. I wanna watch drama but feel guilty if I don't study. Haihz... See how later.
I am not myself today. I felt extremely tired and I felt asleep on my bed so many times. This seldom happen. I don't know what is the cause.
Is it I slept too late yesterday night? But sometime I sleep at 2 am and still feel fresh.
I am suspecting that I didn't take my coffee this morning. Every morning I will drink a cup of coffee before going for classes or starting my day. However, this morning, I didn't drink because I got no classes today, just a presentation.
Or maybe my turn for short case is on Thursday so now having mixed feelings of post - theory exam and pre - short case exam. LOLZ....
I think the coffee is the main culprit for the letharginess I felt today. I never expect the withdrawal symptom is so strong. I felt so tired today and the mood was quite down. As we all know, caffeine can cause to feel euphoric. Beside I am slightly worry for not being able to perform during the short case exam. In addition, I watched a sad drama just now. So, all these make my mood so low......
I asked my roommate to help me buy Jusco sushi. I hope I will feel much better after I eat them later.
I really don't know what to do now. I wanna watch drama but feel guilty if I don't study. Haihz... See how later.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Gossip....
I'm very hungry now. 5 minutes before the opening of my hostel canteen. While waiting, I decided to write a few words. Tomorrow will be my first end of posting exam. I am a bit worry and I am now trying my best to read as much as possible, hope can remember everything I had read.
These few days, the internet line at my place here not that good. So sometime it is quite hard to surf the website I wanted (Asian fanatics). When I was enable to do so yesterday, I was shocked to see that the winner for the Best Male Lead for the Taiwan Golden Bell Award 2009 was Mark Chao (Black and White). He is a new actor. Black and White is his debut drama. He is just so amazing to beat all the experienced actors like his counterpart for the same drama, Vic Chou, and Show Luo for Hot Shot who I didn't expect he will be nominated. But, honestly speaking, in that drama, I think Mark Chao presented the character better than Vic Chou but both did very well in the drama since it is the first time Taiwan drama industry has such type of drama. Then, of course, Black and White won the Best Drama as well as Director Tsai won the Best Director. Unfortunately, Kingone Wang didn't won the Best Supporting Actor who he, himself didn't expected to be nominated. However I think he did very well in that drama (Black and White).
Recently Super Junior, my favourite Korean super idol group, fame is rising high. Their Super Show II in Shanghai will start soon. They are so famous everywhere in Asia even in Taiwan. Super Junior M is not lagging behind too. Their new mini-album Super Girl ranked number 1 in most Chinese music chart. So happy for them. I really hope to see them in person especially Hangeng. ^^ However the recent Kangin's scandal made him to withdraw from most of the Super Junior activities. I hope everything will be just fine for him. Actually, I am curious about what had happened to Kibum. How is his leg injuries? Long time didn't see him. Hope he get well soon.
Time to eat... Itadakimazu ^^
These few days, the internet line at my place here not that good. So sometime it is quite hard to surf the website I wanted (Asian fanatics). When I was enable to do so yesterday, I was shocked to see that the winner for the Best Male Lead for the Taiwan Golden Bell Award 2009 was Mark Chao (Black and White). He is a new actor. Black and White is his debut drama. He is just so amazing to beat all the experienced actors like his counterpart for the same drama, Vic Chou, and Show Luo for Hot Shot who I didn't expect he will be nominated. But, honestly speaking, in that drama, I think Mark Chao presented the character better than Vic Chou but both did very well in the drama since it is the first time Taiwan drama industry has such type of drama. Then, of course, Black and White won the Best Drama as well as Director Tsai won the Best Director. Unfortunately, Kingone Wang didn't won the Best Supporting Actor who he, himself didn't expected to be nominated. However I think he did very well in that drama (Black and White).
Recently Super Junior, my favourite Korean super idol group, fame is rising high. Their Super Show II in Shanghai will start soon. They are so famous everywhere in Asia even in Taiwan. Super Junior M is not lagging behind too. Their new mini-album Super Girl ranked number 1 in most Chinese music chart. So happy for them. I really hope to see them in person especially Hangeng. ^^ However the recent Kangin's scandal made him to withdraw from most of the Super Junior activities. I hope everything will be just fine for him. Actually, I am curious about what had happened to Kibum. How is his leg injuries? Long time didn't see him. Hope he get well soon.
Time to eat... Itadakimazu ^^
Pre End of Posting
I don't know what is my feeling now. My brain is exhausted from all the readings and memorizing. The reason my brain got exhausted so fast is probably I had not have any exams recently, so it got rusted. There is a lot to read but I don't have the drive to continue. Very funny la. I should do my best in order not to fail the exam but I just take it easy, I think too easy. My heart keep telling my brain to get going because the exam is on Monday but the body just laze around. Why no coordination at all? I just hope I can pass it and get on with the next posting...
Happy Deepavali
Today is one of the biggest celebration for the Indian community which is Deepavali. It is a festival full of colours.
I didn't go out because my exam is just around the corner and so I just stay back in my room and study. One thing I found it interesting is that the Indians which is a large part of the population here in Klang also celebrate this festival by setting up fireworks. I always thought that fireworks are only for the Chinese New Year celebration which we believed that it can help to chase away the bad spirits and bad lucks. However, it seems like the Indians also show their happiness in this way too.
It is just like the Chinese New Year celebration back in my hometown, Sibu, Sarawak. The fireworks started about 5 minutes before midnight yesterday and lasted about 10 minutes. The fireworks at my hometown lasted longer and more aggressive. It was surprising for me as they also celebrated in this way, of course they do, we are all Malaysian. LOL.... I am very happy to have the opportunity to experience it because back in my hometown, where you can hardly find any Indians, does not celebrate this colourful festival and it was not a public holiday too.
I didn't go out because my exam is just around the corner and so I just stay back in my room and study. One thing I found it interesting is that the Indians which is a large part of the population here in Klang also celebrate this festival by setting up fireworks. I always thought that fireworks are only for the Chinese New Year celebration which we believed that it can help to chase away the bad spirits and bad lucks. However, it seems like the Indians also show their happiness in this way too.
It is just like the Chinese New Year celebration back in my hometown, Sibu, Sarawak. The fireworks started about 5 minutes before midnight yesterday and lasted about 10 minutes. The fireworks at my hometown lasted longer and more aggressive. It was surprising for me as they also celebrated in this way, of course they do, we are all Malaysian. LOL.... I am very happy to have the opportunity to experience it because back in my hometown, where you can hardly find any Indians, does not celebrate this colourful festival and it was not a public holiday too.
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